Education is going to college to learn how to express your ignorance in scientific terms.
Chance favors the prepared mind.
One should never let a formal education get in the way of learning.
If you choose not to make a choice, you have still made a decision.
It ain't over till it's over. -- Yogi Berra
It isn't life that weighs us down - it's the way we carry it.
Power is nothing unless you can turn it into influence.
The purpose of war is not to die for one's country, but to make the other man die for his.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I have never tried before.
You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you sure can't wipe your friends under the couch.
Those who don't read have no advantage over those who can't. -- Mark Twain
Profanity is a weak mind trying to express itself forcefully. -- Unknown
If you are not ready to die, you are not ready to live.
No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
"Did you see that?" said the blind man to the deaf man.
Do your feet run and your nose smell, or do your feet smell and your nose run?
The future isn't what it used to be. -- Yogi Berra
The greener grass on the other side is probably artificial turf.
Always do the right thing. This gratifies some people and astonishes the rest. -- Mark Twain
Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment.
The shortest distance between two points is usually lined with orange construction barrels.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
It's rude to speak with your mouth full, but it's worse when your head is empty.
Bill Gates finds you really sexy.
He who laughs last really had trouble getting the joke.
Appearances aren't everything; they just look like they are.
Technology is on your side today, as long as you don't stand in any puddles.
If you have any trouble sounding condescending, ask your boss to show you how.
If you find yourself at a loss of words, just keep your mouth shut.
Inanimate objects will move just enough to get in your way.
While money can't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position.
If you're going to leave your mark on the wall of time, you'd better get out your work gloves.
For every action, there is a corresponding overreaction.
Don't let others lead you into temptation. You can probably find it all by yourself.
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
Don't ever look back--because there's probably something gaining on you.
I've given incredibly accurate fortunes, but this wasn't one of them.
What goes vroom, screech! vroom, screech?A blonde at a flashing red light.
According to the latest official figures, 27 percent of all statistics are totally worthless.
It's OK to be ignorant in some areas, but don't abuse the privilege.
If at first you don't succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.
Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans.
After all is said and done, there's a lot more said than you'll ever get done.
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart?
A day without sunshine is like ... night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
It's hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% chance you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
You can't have everything; where would you put it?
Latest Survey Shows That 3 Out Of 4 People Make Up 75% Of The World's Population
The things that come to those who wait are usually the things left by those who got there first.
Recent Discovery: Research Causes Cancer In Rats
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Scientist Discovers Abacus Can Be Used To Dry Towels
"Hang Up And Drive" Say Citizens Against Cell Phones
Rap Music Causes Hangnails, Study Shows
Local Politicians Take Both Sides Of Issues; Little Accomplished
Information Shown Here Frequently Absurd, Poll Indicates
Esoteric Verbosity Culminates In Communicative Ennui, Teachers Note
Studies Show Most People Mispronounce "Zsdersw"
Weather Likely To Become Different Before Changing
Cross-Eyed Python Found To Be Running Successful Chain Of All-Night Laundromats
After 36 Years Of Marriage, Man Discovers Wife Is Actually A Rare Yucca Plant
Mysterious Loud Rumbling Noises In City Found To Be Mysterious Loud Rumblings
Late-Night Shopping Source Of Purchase Embarrassment, Says Survey
Convention Highlight Of Season To Be Pot-Bellied Pigs Named Bob
Middle Age A Hoax, Declares Study; Turns Out To Be Bad Posture After All
Tainted Broccoli Weapon Of Choice For Global Assassins
Talking Broccoli Hosts Talk Show; Guests A "Bunch Of Vegetables"
Broccoli Discovered To Be Colonies Of Tiny Aliens With Murder On Their Minds
Ancient Meteorite Revealed To Be Burnt Burger
Cat Hijacks Municipal Bus; Riders Applaud Good Timing At Stops And Courteous Meows
City Phonebooks Print All Wrong Numbers; Results In 15 New Marriages
Man Discovers Neighbor Completely Enclosed In Mailbox; Returns Him For Postage
Girl Rides Bicycle Across City Phone Wires; Arrested For Eavesdropping
Survey Shows Less Is More, More Or Less
Lou Turns Away Every Person Who Skips To Her; "They Have No Rhythm," She Says
Tree Stuck In Cat; Firefighters Baffled
Stand Up And Cheer If You Like SimCity, Llamas, And Broccoli
Scientist Discovers Gravity While Falling Down Stairs
People Everywhere Agree: Vote Early, Vote Often
People Everywhere Agree: If You Throw A Stone, It Will Hit Something
Tommy B. Saif Sez: Accept No Substitutes, And Don't Be Fooled By Imitations
Tommy B. Saif Sez: Change Not Given Without Purchase
From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: One Word In This Ticker Is Mispelled
From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: One Word In This Ticker Is Sdrawkcab
From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: It's Better To Yield Right Of Way Than To Demand It
From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: You Can't Outwait A Bureaucracy
From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: Check Your Facts Before Making A Fool Of Yourself
From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: You Don't Have To Fool All The People, Just The Right Ones
Bread Baking Books Beat Bean Broiling
Donuts: Is There Anything They Can't Do?
Cure For Senility Found, But Lost Before Being Recorded
Local Person Discovers Just Who Wrote Book Of Love
If tin whistles are made of tin, what do they make foghorns out of?
I'm not poor. I'm financially challenged.
I am a nobody and nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.
I don't do drugs, 'cause I find I can get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
I don't have a big ego; I'm way too cool for that.
If flying is so safe, why do they call it an airport 'terminal'?
Regular naps prevent old age ... especially if you take them while driving.
When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half.
Travel is very educational. I can now say 'Kaopectate' in seven different languages.
If it was only a 3-hour tour, then why did they bring all their luggage?
I am what I ate ... and I'm scared! -- Bill Cosby
You're just refreshing the page to see these, aren't you?
This is the most important website EVER - second only to SPAM!
Kid Tested, Mother Appro ... no wait ... no ..
The purpose of life is a life of purpose.
War is the product of ineffective communication.
Living on earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.
The length of a minute depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.
Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?
Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.
You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers. -- Edward Shepherd Mead
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. -- Isaac Asimov
Part of the inhumanity of the computer is that, once it is competently programmed and working smoothly, it is completely honest. -- Isaac Asimov
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up. -- James Magary
To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so. -- Robert Orben
All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors. -- Unknown
If knowledge can create problems, it is not through ignorance that we solve them. -- Isaac Asimov
Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right. -- Isaac Asimov
Your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning. -- Bill Gates
A stitch in time would have confused Einstein. -- Unknown
All power corrupts, but we need the electricity. -- Unknown
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work. -- Thomas Edison
God gives every bird its food, but he does not throw [the food] into the nest! -- J. G. Holland
I'm a great believer in luck; the harder I work, the more I have of it. -- Stephen Leacock
The first man gets the oyster, the second gets the shell. -- Andrew Carnegie
Genius is one percent inspiration and 99% perspiration. -- Thomas Edison
He that would have fruit must climb the tree. -- Thomas Fuller
Well done is better than well said. -- Benjamin Franklin
Be not simply good; be good for something. -- Henry David Thoreau
No one knows what he can do until he tries. -- Publius Syrus, 1st Century BC
Never let the shadow of a failure block the sunlight of success.
The world stands aside to let anyone pass who knows where he is going. -- David Starr Jordan
Don't lead until you can follow. -- Drumline
We're only as good as our worst player. -- Scott Williams, band director
Wise men learn by others harms; fools by their own. -- Benjamin Franklin
Words may show a man's wit, but actions show his meaning. -- Benjamin Franklin
Presumption first blinds a man, then sets him running. -- Benjamin Franklin
Content makes poor men rich; discontent makes rich men poor. -- Benjamin Franklin
If passion drives, let reason hold the reins. -- Benjamin Franklin
A man has no more goods than he gets good by. -- Benjamin Franklin
Having been poor is no shame, but being ashamed of it is. -- Benjamin Franklin
All would live long, but none would be old. -- Benjamin Franklin
Causing an injury puts you below your enemy; revenging one just makes you even with him; forgiving it sets you above him. -- Benjamin Franklin
With your conscience clear, there's no need to fear. -- Benjamin Franklin
Plan ahead; Noah didn't know when it would rain. -- Unknown
I know you, you're ... you're one of those Strings, aren't you? -- James Day
A change is only as strong as its weakest link. -- Unknown
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Or how about the dermatologist who started his practice from scratch?
Marriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy.
Psychotics build castles in the sky, neurotics live in them, and psychologists collect the rent.
Married people don't live longer than single people. It just seems longer.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.
During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."
FACT: No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
If life were fair, Dan Quayle would be making a living asking, "Do you want fries with that?"
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip!
I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet!!!
Golf scores are directly proportional to the number of witnesses.
When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
You're so cheap, I bet you look under the bed in the morning to see if you lost any sleep.
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
You'll never have a nervous breakdown, but you sure are a carrier!
Truly yours truly, Department of Redundancy Department.
Life is like a sewer: what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
There is a difference between a tax collector and a taxidermist -- the taxidermist leaves the hide.
I don't believe in superstition--it brings bad luck.
If I think not, am I not? I think not. Don't you think?
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vú at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
If life gives you lemons, throw them at somebody!
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
If con is the opposite of pro, what's the opposite of progress?
The difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know, and I couldn't care less.
Imagine, if you will, a world without hypothetical situations.
I'm right 90% of the time, so why worry about the other 3%?
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
Are you too gullible? We can cure you! Send $1,000 to ...
It is better to be silent and thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
Support bacteria--it's the only culture some people have!
We are all born cold, wet, and hungry ... then things get worse.
I'm not paranoid ... but I know that you think I am.
Roses are red, violets are blue, most poems rhyme, but this one doesn't.
Never fight with an ugly person. They have nothing to lose.
Reserve your right to think; to think wrong is better than to not think at all. -- Hypatia of Alexandria
Santa Claus has the right idea ... visit people only once a year. -- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books; you may die from a misprint. -- Mark Twain
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir ... mighty scarce. -- Mark Twain
Get married, by all means. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates
I was married by a judge, but I should have asked for a jury. -- Groucho Marx
Don't go around saying that the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing; it was here first. -- Mark Twain
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. -- Ed Furgol
Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. -- Spike Milligan
What's the use for happiness? It can't buy you money. -- Henny Youngman
I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. -- Mark Twain
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. -- Herbert Henry Asquith
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. -- Bob Hope
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. -- Unknown
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out. -- Unknown
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. -- Unknown
Research Confirms That Eggs Become Dairy Products When Scrambled -- Alina Whitehorn
Word of the Day: shazam (interj.) - wow
Word of the Day: befrazzled (adj.) - down, depressed, hair blown the wrong way, frustrated, all of the above
Word of the Day: squoke (v.) - past tense of squeak
Word of the Day: evangelisticismness (adj.) - aptness to teach spiritual matters
Word of the Day: consnivelry (n.) - state of being underhanded in one's dealings and in cohorts with another of like mind (adj.- consnivelrous)
Word of the Day: froke (v.) - past tense of freak, i.e. You froke me out!
Word of the Day: huge - 1. (interj.) - like cool!, used to express extreme amazement2. (adj.) - used to express an extreme degree of something, as with a 1mm-wide shrimp
Word of the Day: hootenhollerin' (v.) - ranting and raving, being on a diatribe or tangent
Word(s) of the Day: Sparkle Farkle!
If a girl really was cute, then she wouldn't have to wear a shirt that says she is. -- Garrett
I didn't intend to do a thing today, and so far, I'm right on schedule.
Dust Is A Protective Covering - Leave It Alone
Over the hill? I don't remember any hill.
Procrastination on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine.
Real web designers do a little hand-coding at some point or another. -- Garrett
There are no such political views as conservative, liberal, moderate, etc.; one is either correct or misled. -- Garrett
A word to the wise isn't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
National Committee On Special Days Declares March 14th PI Day; Add an 'e' to PI to make it even more worth celebrating.
You might be a redneck if your toilet has more carpet on it than your floor.
You might be a redneck if your wife repeatedly has to tell you to take your transmission off the table.
You might be a redneck if you refuse to slide during a softball game to avoid crushing your cigarettes.
You might be a redneck if your house has more miles on it than your car.
You might be a redneck if you steal bank canisters to use as food containers.
You might be a redneck if the Blue Book value of your truck changes with the amount of gas you have in it.
You might be a redneck if you think a woman is "out of your league" that bowls on a different night.
You might be a redneck if you have to go outside to get something from your fridge.
You might be a redneck if your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
You might be a redneck if you've ever been in a custody fight over a dog.
You might be a redneck if you clean your fingernails with a stick.
You might be a redneck if the Salvation Army declines your mattress.
You might be a redneck if your stove is on the porch and your lawn chairs are in the kitchen.
You might be a redneck if you prefer car keys over Q-Tips.
You might be a redneck if you think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You might be a redneck if you think the French Riviera is a foreign car.
You might be a redneck if you don't know when "Saturday Night Live" comes on TV.
You might be a redneck if you are arrested for stealing food stamps while working at a welfare office.
If you have ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said "Concentrate" on it ... you might be a redneck.
Ketchup? No thanks, I have a dollar. -- Garrett w/ Aaron Clubb
I think; therefore, I vote Republican. -- Garrett
The worst thing about being a programmer is that if things really get screwed up, it's all your fault. -- Garrett
The most important thing about having goals is having one. -- Geoffrey F. Albert
You will soon pass through a door - to the kitchen? Bathroom?
Soon you shall learn a new skill - how to quickly click the Refresh button to see another random quote!
Bleach can look tasty, but if you drink it, you will see the giant fortune cookie in the sky.
You are being followed by a tall man in a dark coat. Look, there he is! Oh, you missed him.
You are too paranoid, even though everyone really is out to get you.
You may soon be the winner of $10,000,000! You might also be a figment of your computer's imagination!
You should pay dearly for not flossing regularly.
You want the future? You can't handle the future!
I predict you will continue breathing for the rest of your life.
You will never win the lotto. Now here's your lucky numbers...
Your evil plans for world domination will be foiled. Curses!
Your fortune can be found in a cookie.
Confucius say: Lovers in triangle, not in square.
The answers you seek can be found at the nearest convenience store.
The future of your wealth depends on your friends ... don't lend them money.
To be, or not to be ... now that's a dumb question.
Your memory is much like a rabbit ... short and fuzzy.
Knowledge is power, but wisdom doesn't need power.
It is best if your future remains a mystery.
Self worth can be found through mastery.
A bird caged too long may not wish to fly when released.
A civilization that regards nuclear energy as important and cooking as trivial is surely headed for destruction.
A fool utters all on their mind. The wise wait till afterwards.
Answer not a fool according to their folly, lest they be wise in their own conceit.
Answer not a fool according to their folly, lest you be like unto them.
Dreams merely function to convince us of our true selves.
If one's spirit knows principles as well as one breathes the air, the evils of the world are blatant.
In all things success depends on preparation, and without such preparation there is sure to be failure.
Observe yourself living from time to time. It can be enlightening.
Philosophy is just another way of confusing someone else.
That which shatters the silence we call noise. That which enhances the silence we call music.
The chicken is only the egg's way of reproducing itself.
The present is where we live, yet we can never know it as well as our past.
There will be always be someone better, but there may not be anyone worse.
War does not determine who's right - it only determines who will be left to say they were right.
Your pursuit of happiness will end when you stop pursuing it.
When life gives you lemons, clone them and make super lemons so they can take over the world!
A One that isn't cold, is scarcely a One at all! -- Strong Bad
Attention! Any attempt to print Murphy's laws will jam your printer.
A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.
The faster a computer is, the faster it will crash.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
Y'know, you can read this whole file (quotes.txt).
Things, by nature, will tend to go from bad to worse.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Every solution breeds new problems.
Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited.
Paper is always strongest at the perforations.
Experiments should be reproducible: they should all fail in the same way.
Machines should work. People should think.
It's 5:50 AM ... do you know where your stack pointer is? -- from the old Free2code.net
A logician trying to explain logic to a programmer is like a cat trying to explain to a fish what it's like to get wet. -- from the old Free2code.net
A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do. -- from the old Free2code.net
If you give someone a program, you will frustrate them for a day; if you teach them how to program, you will frustrate them for a lifetime. -- from the old Free2code.net
Would you fly in an airliner designed and built by the lowest bidder? -- from the old Free2code.net
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) -- from the old Free2code.net
Shift to the left, shift to the right! Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte! -- from the old Free2code.net
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive. -- from the old Free2code.net
According to my calculations, this problem doesn't exist. -- from the old Free2code.net
SUPERCOMPUTER: what it seemed like before you bought it. -- from the old Free2code.net
RAM (n.) - Rarely Adequate Memory. -- from the old Free2code.net
The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS! -- from the old Free2code.net
Pascal (n.) - A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it. -- from the old Free2code.net
There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works. -- from the old Free2code.net
COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance. -- from the old Free2code.net
Come to think of it, there are already a million monkeys on a million typewriters, and Usenet is nothing like Shakespeare. -- from the old Free2code.net
The nice thing about standards is that there are so many to choose from. -- from the old Free2code.net
In C++ it's harder to shoot yourself in the foot, but when you do, you blow off your whole leg. -- from the old Free2code.net
Counting in binary is just like counting in decimal if you are all thumbs. -- from the old Free2code.net
Keep America beautiful - keep your clothes on! -- Loren Roe
Life sucks - get a straw! -- Unknown
Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh. -- George Bernard Shaw
Do not fear death so much, but rather the inadequate life. -- Bertolt Brecht
The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want. -- Ben Stein
Only two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. -- Albert Einstein
I've been down the WYSIWYG road, and it's an unpleasant street filled with hoodlums and internet explorer fans. -- demonicpuffin